I’m back, dear reader, with my (hopefully) improved query letter. I’ve sought and received a lot of advice on what I had thought was the perfect query. Then I did so again with what I was certain was an even perfecter query letter. This one received even more criticism than the first, a veritable blood-bath of red.
So I took a few deep breaths and rewote it from scratch, addressing (I think) all of the vagueness and confusion of the latest version.
So here it is, my soul laid bare. Or something less dramatic. After all, it’s only a few hundred words. Even if they are possibly the hardest few hundred words I’ve had to write in connection with my novel. Comments most welcome.
Dear [Agent],
I’m writing to you because I read you are seeking middle grade fantasy novels with strong female characters [or other appropriate specifics depending on the agent].
Twelve-year-old Cat Brökkenwier is a daydreamer. She sees faerie-folk among people the way her friends see animals among the clouds. But life as a homeschooler in the suburbs is about as far from her dream of being a princess in a castle as you can get. Besides, her mom says there are no such things as faeries and ogres and pixies, and if she doesn’t buckle down and get serious about her schoolwork there will be “Consequences.” So Cat becomes a model student. For almost a whole week.
That’s when a mysterious, old lady at the fair tells Cat the fae were real but they’ve blended in until they’re almost human, and Cat can see them because she’s one of them. Oh, and because she has this “fae-dar” she might be the last princess of the fae. Now Cat must earn the crown before the goblin prince with his sinister magic beats her to it. Or worse, before her mother finds out. With the help of Mr. Goldschmidt, a dwarf clock-maker, Nanny Schumacher, a brownie housekeeper, Hunter Alfson, an elfin archery instructor, and many others she meets along the way, Cat learns what it means to be fae. Then the goblin reveals the devastating truth: Cat is descended from trolls, not faeries, and nobody wants a stupid troll for a princess. With her dreams and her world shattered, Cat must make a choice: fight the goblin and his army single-handed or use his magic to forget she’s a troll … and everything she’s learned about the fae.
Complete at 66,000 words, “The Last Princess” is a stand-alone book with series potential, and will appeal to fans of Emily Windsnap or The Sisters Grimm.
Thank you for your consideration.
What do you think? Would you buy this book?
Am I Doing This Right? 
It’s good. It’s getting there.
I have a few suggestions. Use whatever you feel is helpful.
“But life as a homeschooler in the suburbs is about as far from her dream of being a princess in a castle as you can get.” — I stumbled through that sentence. Could you take out “as a homeschooler” and “in a castle”? The sentence would have the same meaning, but me a much easier read.
“Besides, her mom says there are no such things as faeries and ogres and pixies, and if she doesn’t buckle down and get serious about her schoolwork there will be “Consequences.”
I liked it better when “consequences” wasn’t in quotation marks. Also, could you say “and THAT if she doesn’t buckle down…” — I think adding a “That” in there makes for cleaner reading.
Also, no comma after “mysterious” in “mysterious, old lady at the fair”
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You could submit your query letter to : http://www.novelicious.com/2015/01/want-a-literary-agent-to-critique-your-query-letter-welcome-to-agent-pitch-critique.html
They are running a 24 hour agent pitch critique on 3.2.15 UK time. They are looking for middle grade stories amongst others. I’m going to submit mine and I haven’t written it yet so thanks for the advice.
Good luck.
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That’s terrific. Thanks for the timely advice.
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